Write Your Story or Others Will Write it For You

As I sit at my desk today, contemplating the messy ups and downs of this holiday season, one main thought occurs to me: The ache of feeling unseen or unimportant can happen to anyone at any time.

Are you:

• Yearning for human connection after moving away from your friends and family?
• Seeking a lifetime mate, but feeling ignored?
• Trying to climb the career ladder, but getting overlooked?

Even though you know desperate chasing doesn’t work, you may find yourself pursuing others, trying too hard to make friends and get attention. Nobody else wants to feel responsible for “completing” you, and you know it. You have to find fulfillment and purpose within yourself. None of us draws others to ourselves by straining to prove that we’re worthy.

I’ve learned this the hard way. My adult daughter and college-age grandchildren no longer spend as much time with me as they used to. Watching them open presents on Christmas morning is a scene only the Ghost of Christmas Past could show me.

Accepting their growing disinterest as part of life’s natural unfolding has been tough. I’m not alone. As our children mature into adulthood, many parents and grandparents suffer the pang of realizing we’re no longer as important as we once were.

Even if you stand in front of your mirror and tell yourself that you’re enough, just as you are (which is true), you may fail to feel it deeply — or live it.

But I have good news: The world’s great mystics and Stoic philosophers tell us how to overcome feeling left out or insignificant.

How to overcome feeling left out

Most of us know not to contort ourselves to fit into someone else’s mold or idea of who we should be, just so we can fit in with a group. But people can tell when you’re performing instead of just being yourself. Our deepest human connections are built upon authenticity, after all.

The British/American mystic and self-styled “philosophical entertainer” Alan Watts once wrote:

“I’ve been given all kinds of opinions about what I’m supposed to do with my life…. If I followed all the advice I received, I’d spend my entire day doing things in the name of getting prepared for life.”

–Alan Watts, “Just So,” p. 20 

Like Watts, spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle was influenced by Stoic philosophers, such as Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, who remind us to live in the fleeting moment of the present. Tolle’s 53-second video below advises stepping out of the narrative in our head that we each call “my life”:

You may protest, “But I’m miserable in my present life. What I want is to escape.”

You can. The secret is to see what each of us calls “my life” for what it is: A story. Once you realize what you’re telling yourself (and others) is a story, you can appreciate your immense power to tell your story the way you want to.

What’s more, you recognize something mind-blowing about yourself. On the surface, you are the story’s main character or “hero,” although you know it’s only an image. The real you — the storyteller — is the mysterious, living consciousness who creates that image.

And the storyteller exists only in the present moment.

Cosmic energy surges into you through the secret opening of myth

This brings us to the magic of storytelling. Within the pages of his classic work, “The Hero with a Thousand Faces,” mythologist Joseph Campbell outlines the Hero’s Journey, a universal motif of adventure and transformation found in the world’s mythic traditions.

Campbell says myth is the secret opening through which cosmic energy pours.

I once wrote about a woman named Morgan, who used mythmaking to change herself. Morgan’s rage against her abusive father disrupted her life until she “killed” him during a mythic, inner journey. By slaying her father in her imagination, Morgan created a new reality for herself as a powerful being, no longer a victim.

Before her metaphorical journey, Morgan’s story was about herself as wounded. Afterward, she began re-telling her story by portraying herself as the hero who triumphed over the villain — her father.

To empower yourself, tell your story with you as the hero.

Stories end when the hero returns from a harrowing adventure with a symbolic elixir, gift, or treasure. What is your gift to others, the purpose that drives you? If you don’t know your goal, your purpose or gift, others will be only too happy to assign you one.

I’ll use myself as an example. Here’s my gift: I am your writing ally. An ally makes a positive impact on someone’s life by helping them succeed in a particular activity. The gift I offer to other writers moves beyond mere mechanics — grammar, punctuation, style, or structure — into the intoxicating realm of self-empowerment.

Below is a summary of the Hero’s Journey. I’ve used it as a template to write fiction, but never just to understand myself, until this week. What I learned was enlightening. I encourage you to copy the structure and substitute the “hero” identity and my personal details with your own.

In other words, rewrite your story of yourself as myth.

The Hero’s Journey

Stage 1: The Ordinary World

The Ordinary World of the hero may be a place or mindset where she feels in a rut or unfulfilled in some way. The hero suffers from an inner wound, an unhealed source of ongoing pain. The wound can be physical, psychological, spiritual, social — anything that causes her to suffer.

In Gloria’s Ordinary World, reading and writing occupy her mundane daily life. She does both because she’s good at these two activities and enjoys them. She earns her living as a ghostwriter at a PR agency. But Gloria suffers from a secret inner wound: for her, what she writes lacks meaning or deep purpose.

Stage 2: The Call to Adventure

A Call to Adventure gives the hero a problem, goal, or mission, and establishes the stakes of the story. The hero of a story longs for something but does not have the courage to go after it. Often heroes are unwilling to admit they need human connection. The hero must change or grow in some way and leave her old life behind to attain the goal. This transformation is difficult, scary, and painful.

Gloria receives the Call to Adventure when she retires at age 66. Finally, she can write what she wants to write, not what someone else wants her to write! But Gloria has no idea what to write about and is her own worst enemy.

Stage 3: Refusal of the Call

When we are most uncomfortable, growth occurs for us as writers, just as it does for characters in stories. Heroes usually refuse the Call because they lack confidence in themselves and are overcome with doubts. It takes courage to accept the Call, so the hero may struggle with reluctance and fear.

As for Gloria, in Stage 3 she feels aimless and confused. In this state of mind, she makes the mistake of chasing after her family and friends, trying too hard to get over feeling unimportant, and looking to others to fulfill her and give her a purpose, instead of doing it for herself. None of this behavior works. She feels more lost than ever.

Stage 4: Meeting The Mentor

The purpose of the Mentor is to help the hero face the unknown and accept the Call. Mentors are often well-versed in the knowledge or abilities the hero needs to learn before she can undertake the journey to the Special World.

In Gloria’s case, her mentors are the books and writings of long dead mystics and Stoic philosophers, whose ideas hold deep meaning for her. She also reads the works of modern-day spiritual teachers, whose YouTube videos open her heart and mind.

Stage 5: Crossing the First Threshold

No less a master than best-selling author Dean Koontz says stories begin when the hero gets plunged into terrible trouble. Steven Spielberg says that the best stories begin when the hero loses control of her life and must regain it. When crossing the first threshold, the hero must leave her old self behind and embark on becoming a new person. This includes learning new skills or changing herself in some way.

Gloria’s terrible trouble is feeling lost, without purpose. She crosses the first threshold when she joins a weekly writers group and begins once again to produce regular work. She accepts guidance and critique from other writers, and experiments with writing fiction.

Stage 6: Tests, Allies, and Enemies

Here the hero explores the Special World she’s entered, meeting allies (people who help her) and enemies (people who hinder her). The hero is tempted to quit, turn back, or become discouraged, but instead develops her courage, strength, wisdom, and discipline.

Gloria’s Stage 6 lasts several years, during which she submits her work to various editors and literary agents, accumulating a pile of rejections. Discipline and courage keep her going. Finally, she successfully authors two indie-published paranormal cozy mysteries. She also helps several people write and publish their memoirs, and publishes a how-to handbook on writing one’s bio.

Stage 7: Approach to the Inmost Cave

The conflict intensifies, the pace quickens, and the hero approaches a point of no return — the Inmost Cave — where her motivation is strengthened or becomes clear. Things get so demanding that the hero reverts and goes back into her old self, which brings on the Black Moment.

Gloria’s indie-published cozy mysteries bring moderate success but fail to give her deep, inner satisfaction. Something is missing, but what? In despair, she stops writing altogether.

Stage 8: The Ordeal

The hero endures the ordeal or crisis, an event that forces a crucial decision. The ordeal is the low point in the story, when all looks lost, and the hero lives through the Black Moment. The worst thing that could happen happens. This is the climax of the story and could involve a physical battle against the antagonist, a moral dilemma, or an emotional challenge.

Unable to find any lasting purpose in her life, Gloria suffers a mental health crisis. She feels powerless and fearful when several people important to her hurt her. Their disrespect makes her feel worthless. Relationships with her loved ones falter. In desperation, she looks for a way out.

Stage 9: Reward: Seizing the Sword

As in the Arthurian legend, everybody has the ability to pull their sword from their stone. But it must be your own sword, and only you can pull it from the stone. In this stage, the hero makes her visions reality by accessing a Life Force superior to thought and mind.

In Gloria’s Hero Journey, the pain of being herself becomes unbearable. But her mentors help her see the way out is to die (not physical, but psychological death). The truth of who she is becomes obvious to her when she writes about herself. What she writes just doesn’t seem like the real her. Words alone cannot describe the majesty of her own simple, present awareness. 

She sees the truth of herself as an honest, decent human being who no longer fears what others might do to her or what might happen to her in the future. She realizes she has the right to be herself, just as she is. The process of writing becomes an end in itself. She writes with no particular purpose in mind, which paradoxically frees her from her mind’s dark spell.

Stage 10: The Road Back

The hero is pursued by the antagonist on the Road Back to the Ordinary World. In storytelling, the antagonist can be a villain against the hero, nature against the hero, or the hero against herself. The hero runs into previous adversaries or challenges she thinks she has overcome.

Because Gloria has been her own worst enemy, she must confront herself in a final showdown and master her thoughts. She does this by refusing to take each thought that arises into her mind as truth. She stops resisting life, lives more deeply in the present moment, and accepts what is.

Stage 11: Resurrection

The hero has one final battle to face. At this stage, the hero might have to fight to the death against a much more powerful foe. The hero might even be confronted with her own mortality or greatest fear. The hero grows, changes, or figures something out. She is transformed, resurrected into a new version of herself.

Gloria ends her frantic dependence on friends and family to supply meaning and purpose to her life. By focusing on how to help and empower other writers, she is reborn as a personal essayist and writing consultant. Never before has she felt such reward for her work.

Stage 12: Return with the Elixir

The hero defeats the antagonist and returns to her Ordinary World with the elixir, which is a boon or treasure to benefit the Ordinary World. The hero shares the knowledge gained in her journey with fellow human beings. She may impart wisdom, provide an object of great value, or lead a social revolution.

Today Gloria focuses on myth, mysticism, and Stoicism for self-improvement and self-empowerment. Her videos, ebook and blogs explore the benefits of writing to yourself, about yourself, for yourself.

Afraid you are missing out?

In the Hero’s Journey sample above, I’ve lived through all 12 stages. You may discover that you’ve yet to live through all 12 stages, and find yourself in stage 6 or 7, for instance. If that’s you, write your story’s future the way you want it to turn out.

Many people live from old, rigid, negative thoughts about themselves. They fail to see their imaginary picture of themselves as a story, not a reality. People think they should be wealthy, physically beautiful, wise, charismatic — the list is endless. You may be tempted to write such an ending for yourself.

But in reality, all you have to be is yourself and never submit your integrity to anyone else, especially if they put you down. If they do, walk away and let them go, knowing their disrespect has nothing to do with your true worth.

While FOMO (fear of missing out) is a relatively new acronym, what it describes is old as time. Unless you can tell your story as myth, with yourself as hero — knowing you are in reality the powerful storyteller — you may feel as if you are an unimportant, secondary character in the story of someone else’s more heroic life.

You’re not. You were born to be you, no one else, and you have unique gifts to bestow. Proclaim your value to the rest of us, let the world appreciate you, and make use of the power of myth in the story you tell to yourself and others.

The result? The ache of feeling unseen or unimportant vanishes. You will feel an incredible sense of self-sufficiency and well-being.