Even if you are writing only for yourself, never distort the facts of your life story. It’s just as harmful to lie to yourself as to others—maybe even more so.
You might be afraid to tell the truth because you’re afraid of the consequences. We fear other people when we want something from them, and we’re afraid we won’t get it. That something could be respect, approval, money, sex or friendship.
But worrying about what others think of you gives them too much power over you. It’s a terrible way to live. To be a carefree human being, you have to live your own life, and tell your own truth.
Writing truthfully about your life’s ups and downs has been shown by research to be emotionally healing and even transformative. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It can be hard to write about yourself. When you try to write about yourself, you may worry that you sound self-pitying, overly dramatic, self-absorbed, petty, or ridiculous.
Here’s the best attitude to have when writing about yourself: don’t focus on what others may think. Start out by writing for yourself and yourself alone. Later, you can take time to consider the impact your story will have on the people who matter the most to you—your friends, family, and loved ones.
People may question or dispute your version of reality.
We all know how untrustworthy memory can be. No two people remember an incident from the past in the same way, since each of us experiences life through a slippery set of “filters” created by our individual minds. Not only that, but the passage of time makes memory even more suspect.
Viola Davis, an actress who wrote a memoir in 2022 called, “Finding Me: A Memoir,” says in her disclaimer that she wrote the book for “anyone…clawing their way through murky memories, trying to get some form of self-love.”
Memories can be murky, all right. In the psychological phenomenon known as “false memory,” a recollection seems real in your mind, but you may have distorted or even completely fabricated it, without being aware you’ve done that.
So how can you know when you’ve written about a false memory? How can you prevent yourself from doing that?
To ease your mind about the truth of what you remember, consider first discussing with others what you intend to write about them. Use this opportunity to clarify your memories, and then, you can have people read what you’ve written.
Some people will be flattered that you wrote about them. Others may raise objections. It’s good to know ahead of time.
If you intend to publish, you can have people sign a waiver giving you permission to write about them. In my years as a public relations writer, we regularly asked clients to review and approve what we wrote about them. Quite often, the results of this approval process made the resulting text richer, truer and far better than the original. People know themselves. It’s very likely they will be happy to help you accurately report what they did—or said—in a certain situation.
Accuracy is important in your story. Those memoirists who have stretched the truth too far have paid for it with public condemnation of their books. An example is James Frey, who was confronted by Oprah Winfrey about the untruths in his memoir, “A Million Little Pieces,” in which he wrote that he spent 87 days in jail, when in fact it was only a few hours. This assertion was only one of many inaccuracies in Frey’s memoir. On her show in 2006, Winfrey accused Frey of betraying millions of readers. Frey was subsequently dropped by his literary agent. Readers who claimed they had been defrauded brought a class-action lawsuit against Frey’s publisher, Random House.
Today, Frey’s book contains the following sentence in the disclaimer: “Names, dates, places, events, and details have been changed, invented, and altered for literary effect.”
When you decide to write about real life, you are in a sense stepping into the shoes of a journalist. Journalists strive to be factual and ethical about what they write. The Society of Professional Journalists has a code of ethics, governed by strict principles, some of which apply to you when you write your life story, or even your short bio.
Boldly tell your story, but be honest and accurate with the facts. Your best defense against a possible defamation suit is to tell the truth. Defamation, which includes both libel (which is written) and slander (which is spoken), is the ruining of another person’s reputation.
For example, if your cousin was convicted of murder, he cannot sue you for defamation if you write about it. But if you write something such as, “In my opinion, my cousin murdered so-and-so,” when in fact your cousin was never convicted of such a crime, you will be exposing yourself to a defamation suit.
While you must tell the truth, reserve anonymity for people who may face danger, retribution or other harm from what you write. Be sensitive when writing about juveniles, victims of sex crimes, or those with a disability. Withhold any names or identifying details that might harm someone or put them at risk. Publicizing facts about a person’s medical health, sexual conduct, or financial troubles could be considered an invasion of privacy. Even if you write nothing but the truth about a person, if you have made a public disclosure of their private facts without their permission, that person could bring an invasion of privacy suit against you.
As an example, suppose one of your close friends revealed to you, in confidence, that she spent a year of her young life as a prostitute before she finally stopped the behavior and got her life squared away. If this information is integral to the story you want to tell, consider changing identifying details, such as the person’s name, gender, age, and background. Change the location of where incidents took place. Change the time period. Simply describe the person as “my friend” and avoid revealing whether that person was male or female, old or young, Black or white, Christian or Jewish…you get the picture.
Are you fabricating the truth by doing this? Yes, but there is a way around the dilemma: write a disclaimer.
A memoir or an autobiography disclaimer is a statement on the copyright page, about a paragraph long, that explains the author’s purpose and approach to the truth of the material and the privacy of others. A disclaimer strives to protect both the author and publisher from liability.
Even without a lawyer, you can help prevent legal calamities from happening to you by stating in your disclaimer something to the effect that, while your memoir presents the truth to the best of your memory, you have changed names or other identifying details to protect the privacy of the persons you’ve written about.
Dialogue, especially, is challenging and difficult to remember. Many memoir disclaimers say that the dialog in the book is not intended to represent a word-for-word transcription. Instead, it accurately reflects the author’s memory and fairly reconstructs the meaning of what was said.
Trust your memories for the most part. A journey through memory is one of self-discovery—and it is to be honored. As you write, let yourself be governed by the principles of honesty, accuracy and sensitivity. Decide for yourself whether you want to risk alienating your family or friends by revealing negative truths about them. Is telling your own truth important enough that you are willing to sacrifice those relationships?
If you hold yourself to high standards of accountability, you can write the truth as you see it, and you will have little to fear.