We can be preyed upon but escape, scarred yet wiser
I have tolerated the cruel behavior of a certain family member toward me throughout my life, because I felt I should be inclusive and loving. I was wrong.
The relationship deeply harmed me, but I’ve recently escaped. My soul bears scars from the many emotional wounds this person inflicted on me, but I’m free now, and wiser.
Two books I’ve read this past year opened my eyes what to do about my relationship with this family member. Both books have “wolves” in their titles. One is a memoir, the other self-help:
- “Raised by Wolves, Possibly Monsters,” by Michael Swerdloff
- “Wolves Among Us,” by Linda Shirey
Raised by wolves
Swerdloff says he was raised by wolves. He wrote his memoir to say, “I’m a man, and I’ve done some horrible things in my life to girls, women, and myself. I’ve changed, and so can other men.”
Swerdloff’s journey begins with his youth, where he lived with a father who hit on 14-year-old girls and a brutal older brother who molests him and ends up in prison for robbery. In Swerdloff’s early adulthood, he hates himself as “an Italian-Jewish guy working part-time at Radio Shack, hiding from the Feds and the people I had robbed along the way.”
He ends up in a mental hospital. “I didn’t resist. Life had beaten me, and I knew it,” he writes. Once out of the hospital, Swerdloff avoids his destructive family. He is introduced to the energy therapy called Reiki, and begins teaching it to others. He travels to Mongolia and gets in touch with the “Divine Masculine” inside himself, while “crunching on the earth of the Gobi Desert” during an amazing months-long trek, all alone.
At that point, the memoir takes off on in an entirely unexpected direction (like life itself!). I won’t spoil it for the reader by describing this twist. Let me just say that I enjoyed the ride. Swerdloff’s message to humanity, repeated throughout the book, is this: “The same skills, traits, and talents that made me a successful criminal and con man are the same skills, traits, and talents that make me an exceptional Counselor, Coach, and Reiki Master today.”
My personal takeaway from this book was family doesn’t have to be forever. You can escape toxic family members.
But still, I wondered, can human “wolves” change? Another book gave me the answer.
Wolves among us
In her self-help book, author Linda Shirey says the spiritual gift of discernment is what alerts a sheep to the presence of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. The Bible passage she quotes is Matthew 7:15-20, which is about how to beware of these wolves, and she explains: “…sheep often want to believe the wolf isn’t a wolf.”
She is so right! Innocent, naïve people who believe that people are all basically good are typically the “sheep” a wolf targets. I was once such a sheep, but no longer.
I used to believe I could change others by loving them. The truth I had to learn is we cannot change others, only ourselves.
Shirey writes in her book that the wolf’s goal is to control the sheep, and it often does, with the evil person mauling the weaker person at their pleasure. Their despicable behavior only works because a sheep often mistakenly believes the wolf to be just like them.
The devious wolf wears sheep’s clothing, and that’s what fools you.
How to handle the wolves we encounter
Shirey quotes Bible verses to back up her advice about how to handle wolves: “Purge the evil person from among you” (I Corinthians 5:13). Sin cannot be allowed to continue without consequences, she asserts.
Although I’m not particularly religious, I view her assertion as wisdom.
When my relationship with my wolf family member grew unhealthy, I kept forgiving that person. It brought me sorrow and anguish instead of the appreciation I craved. The wolf grew bolder and even more cruel toward me.
Putting the needs of others above your own never works in the long run, even when the others are members of your own family. The time will come when you must see the wolf for the dysfunctional person he or she is, and when you do, you must leave the relationship behind. If you stay, you not only harm yourself, but also you do the wolf no favor.
Wolves must learn to accept the consequences of their bad behavior.
Trust yourself
Author Shirey’s insight is helpful to the reader, because she says when “the wolf really counts on conscientious and tenderhearted people to doubt their own instincts,” people will begin to ask themselves, “Is it I, Lord?” (Matthew 26:22).
In my own case with my wolfish family member, I found myself asking, “Is there something wrong with me?”
Shirey says, “Gentle people will start to think they’ve been unkind, strong people think they’re being weak, contemplative people think they’re stupid,” and so on.
Wolves can be very convincing and even charismatic, but we will recognize them by their fruits. Shirey advises early on in her book, “If the words drip honey but the fruit of the life shows thorns and thistles, that points to a deep and abiding problem of the heart.”
The god of wolves is the god of self, she asserts.
I’ve learned it helps to know that although we cannot control how others perceive us or behave toward us, our own patterns of behavior are within our ability to control. It follows naturally that we can also regulate our personal states of mind.
Self-acceptance and peace of mind are within our grasp.
“Enough is enough”
Today I don’t feel guilty when I say, “No,” I cannot (or do not want to) do something. I focus on how I feel about myself instead of worrying what others think of me. My relationships are fairly balanced when it comes to “give” and “take.”
I no longer put up with disrespect or abuse from family or friends.
These days, I am able to stand up for myself, with no apology, realizing that I will lack the energy and motivation to take care of someone else and their needs, unless I first look after my own well-being.
At times, I may still get rejected or excluded from events, family gatherings, or social groups, but I try to handle each situation with grace and understanding.
Nobody’s life is perfect, and we all must deal with strain and conflict. I have never been in therapy, nor am I trained in any way as a psychologist. But I can say with conviction that it is critical for each one of us to take responsibility for our own behavior.
My number one tool for understanding myself and making sense of life has always been writing to myself, about myself, for myself. I trust my inner teacher, the “still small voice” that the Divine uses to communicate higher truths to each of us in a very personal way.
I’m writing this article as part of an ongoing effort to come to terms with how my own choices and decisions in life have brought me to where I am today. As an elder and a storyteller, I like to think that what I have to say matters. Perhaps it will help someone else.
Writing and reading both help me clarify my thoughts. Reading the Bible, the Stoic philosophers, and the books of renowned spiritual teachers and psychotherapists has helped me cope with many of life’s challenges, especially my own faults.
My biggest lesson in life has been learning to accept that I cannot control anyone else, but I can control myself and how I respond to people. This is a central tenet of beautiful Stoic philosophy:
“Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions.” -Epictetus, The Enchiridion